dont know what to write but just.... sad! feeling like crying but i cannot cry coz if i cry means i am a totally useless bastard. am i really NO study = no future? no one can really tell you your future. but what you doing now is affecting your future. =(
It happens again.

If i am stronger, i can control with most of the incident. then she will not be so tired.

If i am stronger, i can make him accompany her so that she no need to sleep alone at night.

If i am stronger, i can do everything i can for her.

If i am stronger, i can use my shoulder to holds everything so that she no need works so hard to maintains expenses anymore.

Every time talk to her,the feeling will just come to me, then i just can't do anything. keeps on thinking why m i so useless. but i'm just stop at thinking. never try to do anything. i just think of 'if' but never think of 'try', i no dare to try anything, is that because i am lazy or i really a coward who not dare to face lose. dont feel like to talk to anyone about this but wish to get someone to agree with me. my complicated feeling make me felt weak. when only i can start think of 'i can' but not 'if i can' ?

i believe i always positive thinking but....sometime feels that even positive thinking now also doesn't means in future will really can get what i wants. i remember got someone said to me 'you're a potential kid', i believe it that time, but now....the reality tells me that i might not as good as people said. days gets fast and slow, whenever heard her voice on phone, there is always got a hard feeling come out from my heart.

she said, i no need you to able to feed me, but at least you can able to feed yourself. she said, when u all come out to work, i will follow him to where he at, i can't say no because she want someone to care about her, to hug her into sleep every night, but no the life like now, sleep alone every night. what makes her continue now is us. but when we can feed ourselves. she will live with him.... so far away from me. if it is a vacation, i nvm. but if he dont want come back here anymore le...... then how about her? if i want see her only can see once in a month? a year? why is he like that......after go there for so long still never give us some support? what he doing there? why is she always find some nice and pretty excuse for him? why is he only earns to feeds himself? he no need responsible to us? he tot she is a powerful women isit? she also a lady who need cares. who need someone to hug her into sleep. i'm not him. he is the one who should do what his position should be. how can he like this. i'm not angry with him but very very disappointed about what he did. how can he is so irresponsible?

the night he leave, i cried....not because he is leaving. i think of her only, what come out in my mind is our life in future..... starts from that day, i got think of not continue study, as a men, should help in family....i start remove my lazy attitude, start contribute into works daily. never say tired to her. coz in my heart, she will always be more tired if i said i'm tired. eventhough i'm lazy sometime, dont want to works too much... but whenever she call me, i not dare to say no, coz i know if i dont do it, then who will help her? after that, she will just do it herself. she always want put everything on her shoulder. she not good in study but she try learn to read the income statement, she not good in study, she want all of us have higher education so that can survive in community, she not good in study, so she dont want us to stop study in secondary school.

before come to college, i got think of just stop like that and continue help her to works, many things come to my mind, never told her about this. after a while, thinking deeply. better get a diploma cert only starts working better. so i come to college. but days gets longer and harder. now i unable to graduate. what future i got? only can try my best works, works and works. i want get success. not want, is will! i would do anything to be a successful person. not illegal thing for sure.

nothing much else. sad. sad. sad. when a person alone, really will easy think into negative things. no one can help me with this. i must works harder and harder. starts now, i dont want to say 'if' anymore or say 'i will' anymore. only can say 'i can', 'i must' and i starts do it now'! dont want to wait anymore. =(

Wish I can

Wish I can able to do as what I want now.
I feel myself so useless on that part.
Want to ask the one who able to help also hard to say it out.
What I can do?
People always wish they can be better...
But not everyone can able to get better as they wish...
what meant to be yours will be yours...
what not meant to be yours will not be yours...
you are never able to ask for more than what meant to be yours...
no need to be so rich on everything.
Why don't just lesser on the thing that rich of and,
exchange it to the things that I wanted the most now?
who can I talk to ask for a change?
anyone can tell me what is waiting for me in coming days?
Can it be worst than what I thinking?
Why should I take these?

Wish I can have magical power like Harry Potter.
Just shout few words, things come true...

Wish I can be the character in cartoon.
Anything you wish also possible to come true.